


Too Late

by timelostdoctor



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide, Suicide Notes, it is not edited and probably won't ever be, it's very sad and i just want you to know what you're walking into, maybe overkill but listen this is a very raw bit of work for me, there are other characters but she is the focus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 06:47:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30034671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timelostdoctor/pseuds/timelostdoctor
Summary: The Doctor arrives back in Sheffield too late to save Yaz's life.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Too Late

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Niceto_Thetya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niceto_Thetya/gifts).



> Based on a tumblr prompt for thasmin and the angst quote “Do you know how it feels to wish for death every day?”.

This was it. Jack, grinning behind her, had broken the Doctor out of prison and she had asked the Tardis to take her home, to her fam. To where she had dropped them all those years ago. She could use a shower, she knew, and a change of clothes, but the red jumpsuit might get a laugh out of them. She threw open the door and rushed out with a grin. “I’ve been in space jail!” she proclaimed, smiling wide to let them know it wasn’t a big deal. It didn’t matter that it had, in fact, been a big deal. 

Then her eyes caught up with her actions. She was in the Khan’s living room, which Yaz was going to hate. She had been trying to keep her two lives separate, which the Doctor knew was difficult, but she had seemed to be managing. There were the Hakim and Sonya and Ryan, sitting on the couch. Graham was sitting in a chair, and Najia was standing by a window, but all eyes were on her. After another quick scan of the room, the Doctor shook her head. “Where’s Yaz?”

She felt a hand on her shoulder and Jack’s breath on her ear as he leaned close. “Doctor, I think-”

The Doctor pulled her shoulder away from Jack’s touch and cut him off. The mournful looks and the melancholy air of the flat was causing a pit in her stomach. Without realizing it, she was already shaking her head. “Is she on shift, then?” She forced a hopeful smile, eyes landing on Graham. 

He took a deep breath and leaned forward. The pitying look he gave her was all she needed. “Cockle, Yaz-” 

‘Yaz’s mum,” the Doctor said. She strode over to Najia, who’s eyes were brimming with tears. “You’ll tell me the truth. Where’s Yaz?”

Najia pressed a hand to her mouth and shook her head. 

A hand grabbed her arm and swung her around. “She’s dead, Doctor.” Ryan looked directly into her eyes as he said it, his voice firm. She shook her head. “Has been for a couple days,” he said.

“No.” The Doctor backed away. “Days?” She took a deep, shaking breath. “Impossible. This is the same day you came back. I triple checked.”

“It’s been ten months, Doc,” Graham said. 

Her stomach heaved as she continued to shake her head. “No. No. I did not spend a century trying to break out of jail to do this.” She turned and glared at the Tardis. “Why?” she yelled at the machine. She could feel herself shaking, knew the others could see it. “I can fix it,” she said, more to herself. 

“What?” Jack said.

She rushed to the Tardis, pushing on the door that wouldn’t budge. “Oh, come on old girl. I have to fix this.” Still the door wouldn’t budge. “Fine, be that way.”

She turned back, eyes on Ryan and Graham, who had moved to stand behind her. “There’s another Tardis, right? The one you came back in?”

Graham and Ryan shared a looked. “I don’t think you want to go there right now,” Ryan said slowly. 

“No, I do. And you lot can tell me everything so I can stop whatever happened to- to- I can fix it!” The familiar flow of power, of energy, of a near god-like state was flowing through her veins. She knew she could alter history, even fixed points. 

She turned toward the door, but Jack was there. “You know you can’t trample over your own timelines. What happened when you let Rose, hm? You know you can’t play with time like that. It’ll end everything.”

Her lip rose in a snarl. “It’s mind to end, isn’t it? I’m the last of the Time Lords. That Master is dead, for good this time. My planet is gone. I’m not losing my fam, too.”

“Think about it, Doctor.” Jack was yelling but she wasn’t going to back down. “What happens every time you’ve tried to break the rules? With River, with Clara.”

“You don’t know them.”

Jack shook his head. “I keep track of everyone, Doctor. So does Osgood and Kate.”

“What’s going to happen, then, if she does stop Yaz?” Ryan’s voice is distant through the emotional fog of her brain, but even as she hears Jack explaining what had happened in the past, her brain latched onto something Ryan had said. It sends ice through her veins as she turns, slowly, her hearts beating out of her chest. 

“What do you mean, ‘stop Yaz?” No one will meet her eye. “How did she die?” Her legs felt like jelly as she took a step forward and she would have fallen had it not been for Jack’s quick reaction holding her up. She eased herself to the floor. “Yaz loved living. Like the time we saved the colony of Sicocries?” Tears started to fall down her face. When was the last time she had allowed herself a tear? “Or when she wanted to honor Dan, even, after Kerblam!” She looked around desperately.

Sonya spoke, looking directly at the Doctor. “You’re wrong.” She swallowed and took a breath before continuing. “She loved life with you. This wasn’t even her first try, you know? But then you showed up and she was actually happy for a while. Then you left.” Sonya’s face crumpled and the Doctor was certain she was going to throw up. 

“I didn’t get to...I wanted to, but I didn’t...every time! I never get to say it!” Her fist pounded the floor once, hard enough to rattle the lamps on the tables. She stood and looked Jack in the eyes. “This is my fault, Jack. Let me fix it.”

Jack swallowed. “You can’t, Doctor. You know you can’t.”

With a growl, the Doctor walked away and to where she knew Yaz’s bedroom to be. She was looking for something, anything, to feel her once again. But her room was empty - not of things, but of Yaz. Her presence wasn’t there. She wandered out almost in a daze. “Where has she been?”

“Spent all her time in the other Tardis. Trying to get back to you.” 

The Doctor made for the door again, and again, Jack stopped her. She looked up into his eyes, her own blurry with tears. “I won’t, but if she was there, then I can still feel her energy. Touch what she’s touched, maybe get a few thought fragments.”

After a moment, his jaw twitching, Jack moved away and the Doctor all but bolted out the door with Jack, Graham, and Ryan on her heels. 

-

Her presence in the other Tardis was overwhelming. She had spent so much time there. All of it, if the amount of notes, take out boxes, and the sleeping bag was anything to go by. 

And then a journal. Carefully, as if it was the most volatile substance in the universe, the Doctor picked it up. It was filled with letters to the Doctor. They started out so full of hope. Yaz had told the Doctor everything in it. Laid out what she was doing, what did seem to work, what failed (which, in the end, was every thing she tried). The last passage was the hardest.

_ Do you know how it feels to wish for death every day? Have you ever done that? Sometimes I can’t imagine that you have, and then other’s you get this look in your eye, like you’re a thousand miles away, like you wish you were then. Sometimes like you wish you had never moved past then.  _

_ I used to wish for it a lot. Not even death, really. Just to not exist. To not be. It got better for a while, and then when it was starting to get worse again, I met you. The things you showed me, the places you took me, Doctor. It was everything I had ever wanted.  _ You _ were everything I had ever wanted.  _

_ Now you’re gone. I guess you really did die. I never thought it was possible, not really. You were the Doctor. You always came out on top.  _

_ You once said you couldn’t have a universe without a Yaz.  _

_ Well, I can’t have a universe without the Doctor.  _

_ I hope I see you soon. _

**Author's Note:**

> Guys please, if you're ever feeling like you might even consider something like this, reach out to someone. People care. I care.


End file.
